I catch up mostly with my friends via blogs which made me realize very recently that i do have a blog myself :)  I was reintroduced to my blogging past by my friends who asked me to link my blog to theirs :)

I havent seen my blogs in years and looking back... I do write some stupid sh*t :)  I suppose I should write some more... then I get to see how a few years made an impact to my stubborn consciousness.

laterdays

Find a new job. Working conditions had been tolerable for the last few months... but things are making a turn for the worse. Or is it just my incompetent boss... hmm, hard to tell. I could think of many excuses for my lack of professional enthusiasm but isn't it a reason in itself? How could selling booze be so difficult *sigh* :)

Pay your bills. Two maxed out credit cards, two phone bills, and a housing mortgage. Dang, with my current level of undisposeable income, i should be keeping my friggin job... or attempt to be an overnight high-rolling celebrity!... whichever comes first :)

Catch up on people. I've been missing my friends. Had a fabuluous dinner with em last Friday. Nina is leaving for the States, she'll be on an MBA program cum love nesting hiatus. Judy is going back to Prague to break more Caucasian men's hearts and work as well. Consi is having her nose done, nuf said. Jeff and Joanne is also on an MBA program in a local university. Ninie is reportedly sick. And my boi would be leaving for Germany for a year to pursue a well-deserved career opportunity. Ain't that too many good news for one evening.

Catch up on my boyfriend. Just another subtle reminder that my boyfriend would be leaving if in any case i missed it out on the last paragraph. He'll be gone for a year and i'm thinking that i could deal with it... or at least i'm showing him that i could deal with it... i'm a progressive person, i could deal with the days that i may not be able to see him every weekend. I could deal with the times that i would crave for sushi that i only enjoy if we are sharing the same wasabi sauce. I could deal with the times that i'll be tempted to buy video games for PS2 that i would only play in his console. I could deal with the fact that i'm in love with the boi and i'll be still in love with the friggin man even if he'll be gone for a friggin year!

Keep myself busy. This is mutally exclusive from being busy from work. With the advent of my impending technical celibacy, i should be able to find productive ways to make use of my free time. Good thing i have my kodak dx6490 digicam. As a budding photography enthusiast, i should be able to nurture my innate and impeccable visual talent. Now if only i could afford a guide book :)

This is a short list of what i should be up to for the next comin days. This record may change without prior notice.

Deal. Believe. Survive

Are you even Gay? You must be because you dress so
well. Style comes naturally to you, but you
don't know it. You look straight but hot and
it's just naturally attractive. You're the
Straight Styled type of Gay Guy.


What type of gay guy are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Date:	2003-05-24 14:44
Subject:	Hits and missess... (otherwise known as more misses)
Security:	Public
Mood:	thirsty

I’m bad. I uncannily slumbered over a particularly polite phone conversation. We had been talking over the phone for quite sometime now but I couldn’t help myself if disinterest is slowly creeping in. It’s an art to conveniently hang-up!

---

An enjoyable lunch date does not guarantee a 2nd one… or does it? I know there are rules of engagement but I’m pretty sure I’m not using the updated module. Mental note: you should know the rules… to bend the rules!

---

Hits and misses happen a lot… especially the misses. Is life just fond of throwing us a curve ball… or are we just bad at aiming? They say practice makes perfect… I’m opting for a bigger bat!

Laterdays

R

Normally i had always something to do on weekends... i go to work (which is pathetic, btw), hang out with friends, visit family, or anything that would drown the throbbing noise of boredom... a frustrated weekend warrior minus all the weekend warrior stuff ehe

... but it's not a usual weekend... i was dog tired the whole week from the corporate concentration camp, wasn't able to catch up with friends whom i sorely miss, mom was in the province so there isn't much family to drive around (except for my pet sister) and here i am stuck by my lonesome with a stock pile of books that i haven't able to read yet... i'm officially lonely... or bored... whichever's more melodramatic

I had always been comfortable with my own solitude so i wonder what's eating me... usually i keep myself busy when im alone... but with nothing to keep myself busy with, the ego is inevitably succumbing to the walls of non-affirmation closing in!... dang, dont you just hate it when you finally convince yourself you're wrong hehe...

I'm comfortable with my own skin... it may seem to be a stranger once in a while but i guess m just seeing it in a different light... guess i have to sit with it more often.

ok... now i'll be grabbing a book... I suddenly fell like doing so.

W

Date:	2002-08-29 12:29
Subject:	Cluttered mind
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

I’m not able to focus on anything these days. My mind is full of random, unprioritized and misorganized thoughts.

I long for validation. I have been mediocre for the longest time because I had been afraid to ask the hard questions for I had been avoiding the hard answers… I am absurdly hiding under the shadow of my own potential.

I crave for growth. I have been too immersed in the mundane daily grind that I started trading in the ecstasy of enrichment for the sterile predictable promise of security… I am denying myself the reckless pleasure that I unwittingly deserve.

I ache for desire. I have been preoccupied by the flawed details of my existence that I failed to realized these blemished trivialities make up a desirable impeccable whole… I am indiscriminately isolated by my all-too-real insecurities.

I may have been enjoying all these pain because it fills my mind with the task of conjuring contingencies, which purposefully drone the nagging holler of life passing swiftly by. I desire everything I couldn’t have… I love everything that couldn’t love me back.

But I tire.

I’ll evolve. I’ll grow. I’ll desire.

What do you get from more-than-your-usual weekends?

Crap mostly… Ok, weekends have been more than the usual this past two weeks (and believe me, usual weekends wouldn’t end up in this journal) but then I can’t help but think what if things were just as good as it got and there would be nothing left for me to do but face my undeniable return to utter unfabulousness!

Read on…

Weekend 1:

I met this guy Thursday two weeks ago… TeddyJay, a 19 yr. old college student… funny and cute in a very juvenile kind of way. He may not have the Jewish nose I’m dying for (check out Josh Groban’s) but he just has the cutest smile… and he has this slight Visayan (Central Philippine provinces) accent the I truly adore. We had a nice chat over coffee. He’s got a nice serious side that I really appreciate. He’s also very sweet… and quite easy with compliments. Hooked up with him again the next Saturday. We had a sumptuous dinner… and the dish was served till the wee hours of the morning 

Catch:

He’s Fil-chinese… not that I don’t like ‘em… but canto-pop songs blasting from the car radio in the middle of traffic is just soooo Mainland China to me. Besides, he didn’t call for a week. He made a catholic school girl out of moi!

Weekend 2:

I thought I’d just stay home last weekend… my mom will be away, my sister has tons of assignments (so she wont be able to bug me), and I would have choir practices in the evening… I had an invitation to a party Saturday night but I thought I’d decline. I am decided to have a restful weekend… so I thought…

My mom calls… she wants us to join her in the hotel for the evening, maybe she’s feeling miserable. I told her I’ll think about it… I wouldn’t want to drag my lethargic ass 23 kms to the city just to spend the night in a posh hotel… well, that doesn’t sound bad, does it? My sister wanted to go… She’s studying in a college near our place so she seldom goes to the city :) So what does a good son and brother do? I was portentously prompted to indulge the family… so I took my sister out for dinner, some window shopping and Scooby Doo and we crashed in my mom’s room for the remainder of the evening. I was polite enough to cancel my engagements beforehand… but when I woke up early Sunday, I received a text message on my mobile saying that the “party invitation “extends till morning!

Hmmm… the “party” started the night before… and extends till the morning?!… and they are still handing out invitations?!… It didn’t take long for me to put two and two together… Interesting enough… and with all my hormonal complications (i.e. TeddyJay not calling for the whole week!) I decided to have a last minute weekend decadence!

The party was held in a hotel in Manila… I arrived an hour before lunch… and was expecting things to be “wrapping” up by then… I was fetched in the lobby by a not-so-demi-god early thirties guy… I immediately thought that the party may have been for gay social security recipients! But then what the heck, I’m already here so might as well buckle up and enjoy the ride. We went to the room and there it was… an “eat all you can buffet of decadence” for a party of five! I thought I would be distraught… to think that I only got laid the week before after a very looong time of self-inflicted celibacy… I checked myself… pulse is normal… no cold sweat… no funny feeling in the gut… I’ll be fine… all that is left for me to do is dig in and enjoy the “feast.”

Catch:

I never thought that I would be as casual as I had been… I would’ve smoked a stick… only I’m a non-smoker… I would normally be the hopeless romantic… but with the way things are going… I have every reason to believe I am sooo far from normal! It’s casual… no strings attached… and the one thing I’m truly afraid of is that… I may have actually enjoyed it!

I would hate to overanalyze my past weekends… I’m through being cerebral central… But with the way my more-than-usual weekends come to highlight my potential for fabulousness… I’m sure I would ache for such portents!

Dang, I’m not thinking straight… come to think of it… I’m thinking gay! :)

Date:	2002-04-17 01:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

1:00 AM ... first entry!... nothing profound to say... nothing prolific to share... just can't sleep yet... though i feel really sleepy... can't seem to end my day yet... to think i just got home from the office half an hour ago... i missed dinner with friends tonight... social life needs cpr... good thing i got cadbury to pull me through... at least for the night... got to hit the sheets...

thank God for chocolate!